positive and negative images

after much ado, our DAMELO TODO rough cut is finally starting to see the light of day! yay!! we just launched a series of community screenings to get feedback on the cut while there's still time to make changes... so far it's been encouraging and SO INTERESTING. yesterday, i did a screening with Mariana at Bienestar for a group of about 30 trans women, mostly Latina, many of whom frequent the Silver Platter. i was of course super nervous because this group is one of my main constituencies. particularly nervous about the subject of Wildness (as Nicol calls it "parties for gueros") and this whole question of gentrification. to my surprise the presence of the "gueros" Wildness kids was a total non-issue- basically not seen as much of a conflict at all. if anything, Yasenia (who was in the audience and also is one of the main actors in the film) was complaining that I portray the Silver Platter as too much of a unified, supportive place, because in her opinion there is a lot of animosity between the girls. this was echoed by a general sentiment amongst the other women that within our community we don't support each other enough, or like one of our biggest struggles is that we tear each other down.

it was profound to realize that for so long i have been preoccupied with the idea of wildness as an "outsider" community who threatened the inside community of the bar, whereas FOR this community the primary conflict is internal.

and also that this community is not fragile. in actuality it seems that the wildness community is/was way more fragile. the contingency and mobility of our class, and our cultural/career/identities, make it hard for people like us to commit to doing anything for a very long. doing wildness every week for 2 years, in actual labor/hours was the biggest commitment i've ever made to a group project. and of course people do it for way longer. but 22 years is unfathomable.

there was also a lot of talk at the Bienestar screening about positive and negative images, which also caught me off-gaurd. 2 obvious examples would be that people saw my portrayal of the bar as positive and the LA Weekly article as negative - but in the sense that both representations were true. which kind of shocked me because 1) i feel so uncomfortable with the idea that my film creates positive images of my community - like that feels like way too much of a resposibility and woah IMPOSSIBILITY!! and 2) i think the LA Weekly article is just plain wack - like not true at all. but one girl here said that she saw the article as being just "focused on the dark side" of her community... but like meaning there was truth to it.

so.

this all just OPENS MY BRAIN UP IN A MAJOR WAY.

basically i feel more and more convinced that there is this really important subject out there, that the movie touches upon, which could be described as maybe something like "liberal desire" a phrase that came out of the other community screening, which i did with a group of artists and intelllectuals... but i'll save that for another dayyyyyy.......

we are still editing and making major changes. but i feel like i can finally see the film, and finally being able to have these discussions in an interactive way feels like DEFINITELY THEE most important part of the process. i am so excited to finally reach this point! major milestone. maybe someday the movie will actully even be done ;)

my boss just gave me this insane burberry trench - it's like cropped - perfect for shorts and a sweater and heels...
all fall baby all fall

creepy

HUMAN RESOURCES IS A REALLY SOUL-GRATIFYING COLLECTIVELY RUN PERFORMANCE VENUE THAT IS ORGANIZED BY A GROUP OF MULTI-TALENTED MULTI-TASKING MULTI-BODIDED ARTISTS AND THEY JUST GOT THE BOOT FROM THEIR SPACE SO LETS GO GOUL IT UP ONE LAST TIME - 510 BERNARD ST CHINATOWN

tonight los angeles

DINNER HOUSE M

1263 W TEMPLE

NEVER ENDS

i hate words

maybe what i'm trying to say is this...

as i'm WORKing my brain about DAMELO TODO, i keep returning to the events of the LA WEEKLY article ("best of LA" 2008).

to quickly recap, the LA WEEKLY article was written by sam slovick in sept 2008. it was supposed to be positive publicity for our party but it turned out to be extremely racist, classist, and transphobic in it's characterization of the silver platter community. (example: "This is a lovely little pit stop where a she-male doing car dates can stop in for a breather. A place where a lady-boy can take a load off her feet and wipe a load off her skirt before getting back to business in the back of a Toyota.") you actually can't read the article online anymore because they took it down. basically there was an outright war between us and the journalist, which involved a letter-writing campaign, a blogosphere blowout, a physical confrontation, and even a sit-down interview with the journalist for the movie.

at the time i was so enraged in my desire to get the article taken offline that i didn't see the extremity of my behavior. but now with more perspective as i'm editing the movie, i'm less interested to recreate the personal drama, as i am to reflect on WHY i was so mad and so obsessed about obliterating that language, and why it basically transformed my life. and in a nutshell, i truly believe that it's not as simple as that i hated the article because it accused us of gentrifying the bar. like, it wasn't just that i didn't want to hear it, although of course maybe a little. but really.

instead, i think that the article was a watershed event in the life of our little club, because it was the most tangible evidence of the widening GAP between what wildness was to us and how it was seen by the wider public.

i think what's most important about that GAP, is that it raises an essential question about how do we describe, understand, experience community? like if wildness felt a certain way to me, or to my immediate circle of friends, or even to the folks at silver platter who were intimately involved (Koky, Javier, Nicol, and some of the women patrons), or even to this audience of blog readers who feel personally invested in these issues - what does that mean about everyone ELSE who encountered silver platter/wildness? knowing that HOW those 'outsiders' encountered us was directly affected by what WE ('insiders'?) did. i mean, Wildness was a PUBLIC event. the Silver Platter is a business establishment that has a physical location, address, and by law it must admit anyone. so WHO ends up crossing paths there is a constant variable. but more importantly WHO decides who belongs, and who doesn't? but obviously some people DO belong, and in this scenario, for the people who made the silver platter their home- that sense of belonging is such a precious valuable rare and fragile thing. or is it? it is. is it?

the indisputable fact is that the bar was, and is, a safe place for a community of transgender/latina/immigrant women and their friends and allies. and it has been that way for a decade and beyond.

the other fact is that wildness temporarily messed up that equation - or disturbed the equilibrium or something. or did it? it did. did it?

i find that it's really hard to make these statements definitively - without being fucked up (on the level of language) to one person/group or another. sometimes i really hate words all together, which is maybe why i'm so involved with nightlife where complex experiences can be so wordless. but i'm trying here.

emerge

ok so i haven't been posting AT ALL - i know! we were in an EPIC EDITING HOLE and i just started to emerge again. it happens, sorry. what i can say though, is that i think we have found the movie. although SRSLY in roughcutland, i can finally see the form! one part i am still struggling with is this whole question of gentrification. it's like - been pushed on me as the DZAma of the story, but i guess deep down in my heart, it doesn't genuinely feel like TENSION, or like what's REALLY AT STAKE for me in talking about the intersection of wildness and silver platter communities. that is to say i have MANY fears and sensitivites that i hope will play out in the film, but gentrification feels like sooo not enough of the right word for it. still writing, still searching. i want to dedicate a post to this actually, so if doesn't happen in the next few days pls remind me?

last night was another sweet GROWN of many birthday cakes and candles and the renunion of NGUZUNGUZU-! asma is home for 3 days while in the middle of another MIA tour and KINGDOMM moved to town too! so we all got to hold hands for a minute. i continue to live under a rock - getting ready for CA biennial and new series of nyc projects for the spring summer and fall!! and TONIGHT IS MIA IN LA at the lyon followed by

oh yea! what was that photo up up above? it's LGL ! we just had our monthly core meeting yesterday. I FUCKING LOVE LGL it's been such a looong erratic endearing path, but our organization continues to grow and define itself. we are officially HUNG IN THERE. one thing i used to obsess about was whether our clinic was "sucessful" enough - like were we helping enough people?? but i feel committed to the slow spread and accumulation of trust, and realize that the idea of GETTING RESULTS can be a pitfall for organizations like ours. so goez the NPIC, efficient quanitifiable RESULTS are often achieved at the sacrifice of radical governance (ie not just the white legal "experts" making the decisions and setting the agenda). so we are developing more slo.w.l.y., but i believe we have what it takes to get there. there is something so FUCKING AMAZING about getting to hang with a TRUE COMBINATION of qpoc community folks and lawyers (AND qpoc lawyers!) - it just feels SO GOOD. we are committed to building this safe space above everything.

tonight!!!

GROWN DINING ROOM

CHEF WU TSANG BRINGS YOU THE I'VE BEEN EDITING IN A CAVE FOR 3 WEEKS

MINIMALIST COMFORT MENU

PORK SLIDERS WITH PICKLED GREEN TOMATOES

SPICY FRIED GREEN BEANS
NIKUJAGA (JAPANESE BEEF STEW) WITH SAKE-TARRAGON FINGERLINGS

THE TEXAS DONUT (HANDMADE DONUTS + HANDMADE ICE CREAM ON TOP)

SONJI KIMMONS ON PIANO AS USUAL FOREVA

TONIGHT AT GROWNNIGHT.COM DINNER HOUSE M