living

i had a small but super meaningful breakthrough while editing damelo todo today. back in feb when i was working with matt wolf (who is now co-writer on the doc), we figured out that the moment when gonzalo ramirez died is a very significant turning point in the story. that might seem obvious to some people but i mean you have no idea how it's crazy hard it is to see the forest through the trees when yr dealing with all this material. i've been shooting and living inside this world for over two years straight.

when gonzalo actually DID die last februrary, i was so beside myself with grief it never once occurred to me to pick up a camera. i was waiting sleeplessly in the hospital waiting room with koky and javier and nicol. i remember sitting with gonzalo hours before he was taken off the breathing machine, holding his hand and watching his frail body move up and down. it was so alien and upsetting to see my friend like that. it was such a painful confusing time. there was already drama with the ramirez family. we were worried that koky wasn't going to be able to straighten out the will and inherit his half of the bar. i guess that would've be CLASSIC foreshadowing if i had even known i was making a movie at the time. so anywayz nothing is on tape.

flash forward to nowish- matt and i were trying to figure out how to represent this moment, and we were brainstorming a few creative solutions... when TODAY, i was logging old wildness performance footage- keep in mind in a totally braindead state, as i've been wading through hours and hours and HOURS of this stuff (most of it extremely crappily shot as i was trying operate a still camera, video camera, spotlight, and bartend all the same time) when suddenly i tuned into ashlands voice on the loud speaker and realized that HERE was the moment of gonzalo's death, and ashland is asking the crowd for a moment of silence. it's a PACKED house and then there is an EPIC moment of silence. and i think it actually communicates. i kind of lost my mind crying today, traumatized by having to relive that moment. but also felt awefully inspired by this whole process of documentation. i mean i had NO IDEA anyone was even filming- but i guess whoever i handed the camera to had the sense to turn it on... so now it lives forever. it's just real strange, because all these little moments when you're living them have no meaning, no accumulation. the process of making meaning through making art or film or whatever is a real trip. it's so OBJECTIFYING. but cool. anyways, who knows if that scene will even make it into the movie but it's definitely been a transformative experience to be able to go back in time so thoroughly and so deeply.

NOW OUT TO DA CLUB...